TBD

I was sitting quietly inside of  a local shop.  For some reason I began to think about the details of my last 15 years of marriage.  I loved him so much and after some time realized that love is not always enough.  Of course there is someone to disagree with that.  They have every right to think what they will.  I have the right to speak about my life independent of public objections.  The entire 1st amendment and all.

F-Note:  “She shall know her truth and behave accordingly.”

We were both so young and what comes along with being young.  When I say that I had no prior experience when we met; I mean I had no prior experience at all.  I had no experience in love except the I was a virgin church boy moment.  We would kiss so hard until my lips turned red from the pressure days after the kiss.  It was funny that when he would visit my home my grandfather would sit between us on the porch and listen to Jimmy Swaggart and his personal favorite Billy Graham.  I would think to myself Lord please let this be a quick sermon.  It never was.  Back then they were preaching fire and brimstone and it look like I was going to be saved the rest of my life if my granddad had his way.

My boyfriend was so cute until I was the envy of every straight girl in the congregation.  We were inseparable.  I use to hear stories about other girls but, he would reassure me if there was someone it was in the past.  I was so naïve that I thought I was the first girl at church that he was involved with.  I was wrong.  After we broke up I found out I ranked about second or third.  Luckily I did not “put out” so there was no pressure on me ether way.  I was content with him moving on with no loss on my part.  Hey, he was a couple of years younger than I was, but he and that pretty face got around.   We held hands every where we went together. He opened and closed doors for me.  He was nice and respectful.  My grandfather approved but stayed close.

F-Note: “If another woman want to do the heavy lifting, be gracious and let her.”

 

After my grandmother passed we could no longer live with him because it was too many girls and he was now a widow. My sibling and I returned to live with my mom.  I hated living with her.  I hated her perverted husband an her for marrying him.  To this day I am not sure how I had not been sexually assaulted or murdered by her husband or some random guy.  JJ or I did not like being at our homes so we walked mostly every night.  We talked laughed and said our dreams out loud.  I took all kind of chances being so naïve and trusting to everyone.  I was older than JJ but she was more experienced with guys.  She had them eating out of her hand.  I later found out why.  My girlfriend JJ and I would walk all over town.  Neither of us as teenagers had vehicles but she knew the whereabouts of a gathering all of the time.  Actually there were no parties, just hole in the walls where people played billiards, pinball machines and drank all a lot.

We lived about 5 minutes from each other and would meet up when the sun went down.  I would sleep during the day and she and I would roam the streets like a vampires at night.  It was just the two of us walking every where we went.  We had each other’s back.   Thinking back at least several times weekly we would walked about 60 miles with ease.  She and I would stop and buy a cookie, chips or soda and keep going. She had a boyfriend and I had boys that wanted to be my boyfriend.  Not happening.  I kind of like being the pretty virgin.

F-Note:  Someone said that God takes care of fools and babies.  It wasn’t me.

JJ always knew where we were going.  I trusted her and we had each others back.  I would carry a small scapel set and she would have a knife.  Thank God we never had to use it.  We were 2 crazy girls.  She was the only close girlfriend I had as a young teen girl. I loved her for who she was.  People would tell me about her sexual activity and how she was a <%$#.  I did not care.  JJ was my friend like a sister and that is all I needed to know.  People would make fun of her and call her ugly.  She did not have to be pretty.  Her body shape would put any celebrity to shame without any surgery or injections applied. She use to say she wish she had my face.  We both had gorgeous figures that we did not realize until we got older.  It just did not matter to us as much as others who would see us.

F-Note:  If looks are what you want, looks are what you will get.

I am still sitting here in this space thinking about pages of my life.  I am wise enough to know that I could never remember every detail but I can tell you about my friend Robert.  He and JJ were my closest friends for many years.  Robert and I met in church and were friends for life.  He could sing and talk up a storm.  He and I would walk. talk and sing every time we saw one another.  We did not see each other as much as JJ and I but when we did it was like no time had been loss. We loved each other.  There were stories about him being gay, that worked for me.  Remember I am still as virgin so I am still winning.  He told me that he was with a guy and it did not move me one way or another.  Besides I am a teenager with no judgement.  When you are my friend.  You are my friend.  He would share with me how he struggled with fitting in with others.  I would reassure him that not everyone is meant to fit in.  What did I know?

F-Note:  She who finds a friend is a good thing.

As time moved on and the three of us moved in different circles, we would see each other less and less.  We began to build new relationships and make personal choices that took our attention.  That is what age and responsibilities do.  They cause us to shift in other directions.  They encourage us to reprioritize and try something new.  I had heard that Robert was sick and not doing well.  I did see him later and he asked me to pray for him.  We prayed together and cried. This was the second time Robert asked me to pray for him since we had known each other.  We were walking down the street and he had the worse head pain he had ever had; so he said.  He asked me to place my hand on his head and pray.  I placed my hand on his head and we prayed.  Shortly thereafter he said the pain was gone.  I did not question it.  I just said Thank God.  I do not know where he is now but I love him still.  Last I heard about JJ from her brother that she had been in trouble and rarely does the family see her anymore since their mother passed away.  I told him to please tell her that I love her and gave him my contact information.

F-Note:  Some old aquaintance cannot be forgotten.

I met a guy.  Not just any guy.  He was handsome with a car and a job.  Remember I walked a lot so this would be new.  I just happened to be standing at the bus stop to travel downtown for a my mother to pay on a lay away at Sears.  This guy passed me and turned around in the street to stop by to give me a ride downtown.  He said it was on his way to work.  Yes, I was naive and hopped right in the car with what could have been my ride to hell.  Trusting is what I do best.  Looking back he should have kept driving.  He probably  agrees with me.  I gave him my number and he lost it.  Time moved on and I saw him again.  He did not lose my number then.  He called me and we talked for hour for months.  We enjoyed being around each other and fell in love.  We had sex on his birthday and that was the beginning of me meeting his family.  First there was a boy who met a girl who had a baby boy from the boy now its time to “meet the parents.”

F-Note:  Handwritings on the wall are not Graffiti

F-Note:  If  there was a time when I loved the ground my husband walked on and had no doubt that he loved me unconditionally until after several years of marriage, he starting walking on me and not walking with me.  No one could have told me that we could not make this love. Oh well and so it goes.

 

 

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